For how long is the excuse "I'm busy" valid in a friendship? Or the "I can't tell you" this or that...? Is a one-sided friendship really worth it? Or better yet how does YOU define a "one-sided" friendship. As college is coming to an end I see many seniors re-evaluating their friendships, trying to determine which ones to hold on to and which ones to let go of. But this can be a very difficult process when you come to evaluate long standing friendships you established freshman year. So what is the criteria to determine if you should hold onto someone or not? Is there one? Do you rely on your gut instincts or your rationale mind? It seems like one of those mind vs. heart issues that are hard to reconcile. Not until college did I realize a friendship can be stressful. I am usually able to discard of friendships that I know aren't worth it and have never had much trouble with close friends. Until college....
In so many ways college is a turning point in our lives. We learn so much about relationships, people, ourselves...life. Friendship is one of the most important things to me. Granted I could probably live without friends, but it would be a rather unpleasant experience. So what makes a friendship worth it or not? How do we determine the worth of a person? Can we? Does a friendship really have to be about give and take or can someone take and take while the other gives and gives and it still be considered a healthy relationship? If friend A confides in friend B, but never asks about things going on in B's life...is that ok? I guess sometimes it is ok, but the lack of interest in B's life might start getting irritating. But imagine this: B is the kind of person who is happy as long as he/she can help his/her friends. But then all of a sudden B sees A being stressed out like crazy but not talking about it. This drives B to his/her breaking point and A just gives the excuse of "I've been busy, sorry." And then when B sees A later...B tells A that he/she has been upset with A. The response A gives? "I don't care...I just don't care anymore...everyone is upset with me." So what does B do? Give up on this convulted friendship or make one last ditch effort to make it work?
Interstingly enough I have met at least 3 people in such situations...and talking to them I realize that these situations force us to really evaluate ourselves: our personalities, character traits, what matters most to us, and how we view life and relationships in general.
Friendship can be like an art piece. The harder you work on it the better it gets. But sometimes it just never gets better or your missing that one tool that you really need to finish off your piece.
9 comments:
You are making me look like a GENIUS! This is exactly what I anticipated. I think I will respond with a post.
Maybe your "Free Flowing Fridayz" is like an open letter and I do sort of an open response?
great, great, great
Another reason to love Fridays
hehe. Well the point of "Free Flowin Fridayz" is to promote discussion amongst us about various topics. Especially more sensitive ones we might not always want to express our feelings about. Any and all comments, answers and thoughts from everyone would be perfect!
A one-sided friendship was never a friendship, instead just a responsibility.
For me, I did the re-evaluation before returning for senior year. I consciously made a decision to not focus on some and create space for people who have shown some people (Igor would be a good example of this).
This is the criteria to know if you should hold on (follow me):
1. Being to pull away
2. Wait for a response/reaction
If you do not feel them pulling you back, then go ahead and walk away. If they respond by grasping on to you, then there is something there worth holding onto even if it is a limited relationship. For example, if I don't hear from Givi in a few days (possible pulling away) then I contact him just to ask "what's up with you?" and he would/does the same.
Friendship gets stressful in college b/c things are realer. Your friends help you develop into who you are going to be for the rest of your life. They become part of who you are...therefore, they are more important than ever.
I think it will help if you do not call certain relationships a "friendship" b/c words mean a lot. Use the wrong words, think the wrong things.
As for "give and take". If you feel that a friend has given nothing, they probably have not. For example, when I think of Yaz, I automatically think of a lot of things she has given me. That is why she IS a friend...and not in a grey area.
Person B needs to demand that Person A offer everything that B offer to them. If I listen to you, you listen to me, damn it! If you can't handle that, then handle me not associating with you anymore.
Friends are a reflection of you (unlike family) b/c you chose them. YOU CHOSE THEM. Sometimes we make bad choices, sometime the choice is good but then changes. Either way, don't hesitate to acknowledge that the choice went wrong (or "not as planned") and move on. MOVE ON. I can list people who were friends but I had to move on....TL, JT, EN...to name a few. But, letting some go allows room for some really good ones (or maybe just more room)
:) Keep it coming, I love this!
It saddens me, but I think these types of friendships are prevalent on campus. :-/
"Its not a question of being busy...the question is what are you busy with"....don't be preoccupied with people who DO NOT matter. :-)
That is definitely a good question "What are you busy with?"
I think another problem comes into play when the person is soooo busy with stuff that there is no time for you to communicate and see whether or not it is a legit busy excuse.
I agree with Milla!
LOL. BUt I need to hear you girls' definition of "matter". How do you define a person who matters? what makes them matter or not?
WOW. Looks like my 1-year mark is coming up!!
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