I'll be one of the few who will admit it. I feel queasy, not excited, when I think of May 11. I personally have all the reason to hate that day and no reason to look forward to it. Yes I know life=change=moving on, etc. etc. and so forth. But I am sick and tired of not knowing, waiting always wondering. What the hell am I going to be doing? Apparently sitting on my ass like a bum at home doing nothing. Yes things work themselves out in the end. But face it. I'm a REALIST. I always know exactly where my chances are and what realistically I might be able to do or not do. Did I ever think I would make it to med school this year. Nope. So does it bother me that I'm not going next year? Believe it or not...Not really. I actually don't think I'm quite ready for going straight to med school just yet. Ideally I would have liked to magically get in and defer and then to just take a year off and relax/work. Realistically I need to go back to school and retake the damn test that is ruining my life. It's just a pain in the butt because I have potential backup options..I just have no time to get to pursue them and time is running out. ugh. Oh not to mention there are more options than I can address and none of the options are panning out in the right way...What bothers me most are the following 2 topics:
1) So what AM I going to be doing? I am SICK and tired and exhausted of filling out sooo many damn applications. From jobs to masters to post-bacs. I just want to sleep. At this point part of me wants to say " screw it all, I'm done." But unfortunately or fortunately...depending on how you look at it. I am not a quitter. Not being a quitter is hella stressful.
2) Friends. This has been discussed on and off throughout the blog, but the fact of the matter is I don't want to lose some people..and while we in the WTF do an ok job of communicating with each other...other people do not. Other people that if I lose, I will be hurting for a loong time. Is it really that hard to lay it out and say-Yes I will be keeping in touch with you. Or no, don't expect a lot? I should probably stop thinking about it, but it's hard not to.
I doubt I will cry at graduation...and I can only think of maybe one or two people that might put me really close to that felling of wanting to cry, but I guess we'll see.
So no I am not ready for graduation. No I do not know what I'll be doing. No I am not depressed. Yes I am/will be sad. Yes I will be in pain. And Yes I am open to talk about this, while nobody else seems to want to address it. And NO I DO NOT want to hear the phrase "It will all work out in the end," or "It'll be OK," "you'll be fine.
Only God knows what will work out and what won't. Obviously with the MCAT I knew where I stood and nobody else did. In the end I was right and proved everyone else wrong. I believe things work the way they do for a reason and although I'm getting impatient..waiting is all that can be done and I will take on the challenges that come my way. But I do NOT need Sympathy. I am not a sympathy case. I will take support, but NOT sympathy. Support includes helping me find jobs, programs, etc. and filling out apps.
In other thoughts: Why is there not book that defines when it is appropriate or inappropriate to react in certain ways? Sometimes I feel like I may be overreacting to a situation, but I'm not sure. There should be a guidebook.
TTFN!
3 comments:
I completely agree that there's nothing cool or supportive about being someone's pity party coordinator and I can relate to that sentiment. But there are more ways than you think to take a statement like "you'll be fine." Honestly I say that to people all the time, maybe even you, but I always say it in teh context, of 1) Never get off your grind and lose focus 2)If there's too much going on, take a break and separate yourself from negativity, just think, plan and react accordingly and 3) Literally, unless you die, you'll be doing something, (that's just reality) so there really isn't any point in wondering--I personally feel like even though I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or where I'll be, I'm content knowing what I'm capable of and taking small steps to realize that in LONG RUN. Twenty years from now this moment will be insignificant, but only if we see it that way and stay focused. It could become overwhelming if we panic. I admire your resolve (I am hardly able to keep my thoughts concerning this bitter sweet day in line) and even though you're going to hate me for it, You'll be fine LMAO send me some personal essays to edit dammit
1) Never get off your grind and lose focus
-This I like
The thing is, I don't need to be told that "I'll be fine". So long as I am breathing and I have brain activity..OBVIOUSLY I'm fine.[but you can say it Rico, I won't attack you for that, not yet at least...]
However, being so curious all the time like I am gets in the way sometime.
Well I'll be writing plenty of essays come end of may and through June...so I can always entertain you with my attempts at writing essays for admissions people. But unfortunate there won't be any $ to go with that, cuz I got none.
Send me these essays as well, I love to correct/edit! Make me feel smarter.
I would like to see you be more aggressive with your life. For me, "fine" is not good enough. I aspire for greatness so doing "fine" is a let down. I have been around too many people who are "fine" or simply "getting by". I want to be doing great and dominating. Maybe if you try to dominate more of your present, the future will become more clear (and therefore less being curious).
As for graduation....I think I will do a post on my thoughts about that. Still trying to gather them (lot of mixed emotions, conflicting thoughts).
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